Here is my piece today from PALS Magazine. Thanks for reading!
It’s the end of an era.
Elise, at ten months old, had finally gotten sick.
I don’t know why I was so smug that she never really got sick until now. Looking back, she was just lucky. I still felt responsible though, like I personally wove a cloak of germ repellent fabric and draped her in it every day. Silly me.
Did I mention, as I was holding a feverish, crying baby who was vomiting and testing diaper capacity, that my husband turned to me with bulged eyes and tells me that he thinks he’s going to get sick too?
Daycare was not an option the next day, and my husband was too sick himself to watch Elise. I do what anyone else would do- I call my mom. She drives to my house the next morning (did I mention she does this in an ice storm?) to stay with Elise so I can work. My husband seems to be in bed for days with the flu. I busy myself with Clorox wipes and Pedialyte.
Did I mention that my mom gets sick while at my house?
I’m mentioning all of this because I’m a working mom. I’m a full time working mom. I’m a full time working mom at a brand new job with limited time off, people to impress, a corporate ladder to climb, a name to make.
Did I mention I had to take a day off the previous week because I had the stomach bug?
It’s hard, this working mom stuff. It’s even harder to watch your precious rainbow baby sick, and suffering. As I was on the phone with the pediatrician, I wanted them to understand my situation exactly.
“Yes, her fever has gone down with Tylenol. Do you want to see her? But, what if she has an ear infection? What if it’s not the stomach bug after all? Do you want to see her? What if something happens? What if I lose her, too? Don’t you want to see her????”
I don’t say this, though. I breathe. I tell myself that parenting after loss makes situations like this emotionally intense for me. I mentally add weave cloak of confidence for self and drape over self every dayto my list of things to do.
As I write this, things have calmed down. Elise and my husband are both on the mend. My mom, who headed home full of apologies for getting sick, is also over the worst of it. We have a plan for Elise coverage tomorrow. I am not as worried that I’m going to lose my baby. I’m still worried about being a working mom, and being a good parent, and trying to exercise, and finding time to read the book I keep renewing from the library.
But, throughout all of this, did I mention I’m doing the best that I can, which is all anyone can ask of me?