She comes in colors ev’rywhere;
She combs her hair
She’s like a rainbow
Coming, colors in the air
Oh, everywhere
She comes in colors
-The Rolling Stones
Red is for passion and love. It’s for those dark lines that popped up the moment I knew of your existence. Red is for pride, when my heart swells and pulse races when something clicks, you look up, you see me, our eyes connect! Red is for scars, some physical, most mental. Red is for the pillowcase cover I took into the hospital with me to birth your brother, the one I can’t stand to use again but can’t bear to throw away.
Orange is for oranges, the sweet smell of happiness, and for me that place is Spain. The place where I prayed for you, wished for you, the place where I went to find myself, the place where I went after my miscarriage and wondered why babies are lost from people who desperately want them. Orange is the color of your hair, my daily reminder that my happiness doesn’t reside in some faraway European mountain town but instead running around my living room in a whirl of motion.
Yellow is for the sunshine that streams in your windows, lights your room, your face, your world, my world. Yellow is for the brightness you bring to my life. Yellow is the color for that day I thought my world had stopped. That yellow and gray nursery with the closed door. The gray was outside with the rain streaming down, the gray was in my heart and in my mind. The yellow, so bright, so cheery, so ready for baby that slipped away, silently, without a sound. Yellow and gray, together and waiting.
Green is for me this time, my eyes. Natural, but also green with envy for so long. Envy of those with babies, those who could bear life that I couldn’t, those who could succeed where I failed. Green eyes that always seem to sparkle, but sometimes with tears and sadness, anger.
Blue for the ocean, for buoyant comfort. We both love the water, we love to float and swim and rest within the salt that holds us up. Blue for little boys, blue for the big brother that should be three in a few weeks. Blue for your dazzling eyes that match your fathers, to this day the most beautiful color I’ve ever seen. Blue for Hank’s Hope, my purpose now.
Purple to complete the rainbow, the last little color. Tiny, at the bottom, but the rainbow isn’t complete without it. A blend of the passion and the calm. A color that only exists because two other colors came together, to mix and create something new and wonderful, and beautiful.