Three years ago today was the morning of my baby shower.
Three years ago this coming Friday was when I was in bed at 4am, wondering why I wasn’t feeling any kicks, rolls, swishes, or hiccups, even after drinking root beer, cold water, and orange juice.
Three years ago tomorrow was when I was lying in bed, calmly wondering if it was possible to have a funeral for a baby who wasn’t born yet.
Three years ago tomorrow I knew my son had passed away inside of my womb. I just wasn’t ready to have it confirmed yet.
I still wanted to believe I’d hear him cry. I still wanted to believe I’d hang his artwork on the refrigerator, and put him in timeout, and wipe down the walls after he was done in the high chair. I wanted a few more hours to cling to the dream that I’d snuggle in bed with him on those chilly mornings when he was a few weeks old, swaddled tight, the two of us tucked together, dozing, dreaming.
Here I am three years later, and so much has changed, but so much is the same, and on days like today I am reminded of the latter. I have the added benefit of Facebook this year, ever so helpful in showing me memories of what I was doing on this day years ago. As if I could forget.
I took off from work on Friday. I’ll never work on October 16. I don’t think I have the mental strength to do it. I don’t think I should have to find it, either. Aside from a few errands on Friday, that day is for Hank, and for me. It’s for quiet solitude, and reflection. It’s for honor and love. I’m not sure yet if I want to be alone. I’m not sure yet if I want to be with anyone. I just know I want to spend it following wherever the path takes me that day, with who happens to cross my path.
Happy 3rd birthday, Hank. I miss you every day.
Love always,
Mom
Anne, your love story for Hank touches my heart. I remember the firt time I heard your story at LTYM rehearsal and thought, here is a resilent Mom. You went through the most dreaded experience moms fear, and you’re still upright. Some days are better than others, yet always, your love for Hank is your lifeline. I think of you often and will offer up prayers. strength and heavenly birthday wishes this October 16. Love you!
Thank you, Vicky. Lots of love to you.