Sticking with my obsession of marking time, I’m thinking back to my life a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. Each year I look back I realize how much I’ve grown and changed.
Two years ago, I was packing my bags (not really, as I always pack frantically at the last minute) and preparing to journey to Spain alone. I was teetering on the edge of a lot; mostly turning 30, trying to decide what I wanted in life, dealing with a miscarriage, lots of relationship stuff, and infertility. So, I did what any normal, sane person would do- I walked a marathon and the next day took myself and my blisters to Spain for a week.
I thought I learned a lot from my trip to Spain at the time, but I realize now, two years later, that those lessons are still being given. I learned how to trust myself, how to stand up for myself, how to be ok with myself. I also learned that I can go a week without my cell phone and computer (I did cheat a bit, but come on, who wouldn’t?). I was able to get myself around the little village where I stayed, I walked by some wild horses (terrifying, honestly), attended a birthday party full of strangers, and meditated as I climbed thousands of feet into the air to a monastery. All of these experiences are still giving back to me, two years later.
Last year, I was struggling but in a different way. I was three weeks out from having a stillborn, but I wasn’t depressed or angry or sad. That would come months later. I was in a mind numbing state of shock, but one thing was clear- this was all my fault. In my mind, who else was to blame? So, I called on my Spain lessons again. How can I be ok with the world around me? How can I accept what is happening with strength and grace? I took a few deep breaths, flipped through my photos for some inspiration, and found yoga, which saved my mind, and friendships, which saved my soul.
Now that I’m two years out from Spain, I understand more and more every day why it was so important that I went. A lot of people don’t understand why I went, or why I had to go so far, or why I had to go alone. Those are the people that will never understand, and that’s ok. But for those of us who have ever stopped, looked at our life, and realized that our happiness and sanity was more important than a facade of “everything’s fine, honest!’, we get it.
Copyright 2014 Anne Mathay