I remember having a conversation with a friend a few years ago who had a six month old. Although she had just given birth and she was fully immersed in mom mode and mindset, she made a deliberate effort not to let the persona of “Mom” completely define her. She looked at it as another descriptor but not the one that represented her entirely. She worked and was successful, she volunteered, and she was a terrific friend, all the while laughing her way through the spit-up on her shoulder and the scheduling frenzy that was daycare. I saw a lot less of her with a baby, and I know she was exhausted and crabby and hormonal, but that’s part of the territory. I really admire her for still being HER but adding Mom to it.
Why do women seem to lose their identities as people when they become a mother?
I know being a mother is a lot of work; I’m not saying it’s anything but. What I’m saying is that you will still be a wife, a friend, a sister, a daughter, an employee, a co-worker, a community leader, and a thinker of thoughts other than feeding schedules and preschool applications. You may not be terrific at all of these things when you’re now waking up every two hours at night, but they’re not going away. I can’t wait until my daughter is born so I can add mother to the list of things that make me, me. I CAN wait to let motherhood consume my entire identity for the rest of my life. I CAN wait to turn off my brain and focus solely on only one part of my persona.
Maybe these women who cannot talk about something besides their baby, or constantly refer to themselves in the third person as Mama in adult conversation need to remember what it was like before a kid showed up. Remember those ideas and thoughts and dreams and plans? I’m sure they’re still there underneath the cloth diapers and laundry. Maybe these women need to give themselves five minutes a day to remember they’re still something else besides a feeding station or a chauffeur. Maybe these women need other moms to tell them that, while being a mother is amazing and awesome and rewarding and fulfilling, you’re still a person. And just maybe being a person is one of the best things you can do for your kid.
Copyright 2014 Anne Mathay